non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
