Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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