I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
