I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
