You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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