So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
