Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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