He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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