I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
