She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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