my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
so much tequila, so little girl.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
