Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
