How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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