I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
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Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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