Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
