So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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