If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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