i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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