How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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