i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
