I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
