I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha