I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.