The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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