Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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