new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
