We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
