I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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