so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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