you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
