Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
