Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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