Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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