Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
