just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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