why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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