I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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