I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
