I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
