Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
