How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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