Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
