My nipple is on Facebook.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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