: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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