i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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