You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Are we still banned from the library?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
