good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize