Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
