i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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