there's paper in my vomit.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
