omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
