I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
