i don't like sucking hair
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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