Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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