I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
