You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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