Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
