Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
