i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
