Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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