I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
